Bridezillas and other mythologies

It’s the day that every little girl is supposed to dream about, that each woman has been planning since they first understood what a wedding was. Or what a wedding appears to be. On the surface, a wedding is the symbolic union of two people who have agreed to spend the rest of their lives together. A wedding is also the union of families, and the celebration of the continuance of a loving relationship. The wedding day is assumed to be a day of profound joy, where every little piece comes together to create the vision of perfection and love.

Historically, a wedding was an economic exchange, in which a woman passed from the property of one man, her father, into the possession of another, her husband. A woman moved from being the burden of her father to becoming the burden of her husband, a burden that was offset by her ability to give birth and provide housekeeping services. And although weddings have changed as history has, those economic dimensions of previous nuptuals are still present, having been translated into symbolic gestures and "traditions." In the United States, weddings can be enacted for a multiplicity of couples, although it is still primarily reserved for heterosexual couples. Technically, a woman no longer passes from the lot of her father’s property to her husbands, although the vestiges of “giving the bride away” are still maintained at a variety of wedding ceremonies. The virginity of the bride, while not an iron-clad condition of marriage, is still emphasized in the continuance of the white gown and veil, as well as the preponderance of spring weddings, when nature itself mimics the purity and youth of the ideal virgin bride. A wedding, if anything, is an extremely loaded event, one that comes jam-packed with customs, traditions, expectations, and tensions. All this is embedded in a wedding before the upwards of $20,000 price tag.

In the United States, the wedding industry makes upwards of $23 billion each year while cashing in on the 2.5 million weddings that occur every year in this country. That’s 5 million people getting married, and if we estimate 150 people at each of these weddings, which is a low estimate in my experience, that is 275 million people attend weddings every year. There are 301 million people in the United States. No longer are weddings simply part of a life cycle - weddings are a monster unto themselves.

On some level, the wedding industry is aware of the role they play in the creation of the wedding monster, and its star, the Bridezilla. The constant pressure to up-sell, the promises of a dream or “fairytale” wedding, and the emphasis on beauty and perfection are all tools in the wedding monster’s arsenal. The constant reiteration that a wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime experience only adds to this pressure to make one’s wedding the ultimate experience in extravagance and gluttony.

My own wedding looms darkly ahead of me. In fourteen months, more or less, I will be making my own walk down the aisle. Because of this position, I am acutely aware of the temptations of the Bridezilla and the fairytale wedding. The constant pressure that this will, and should, be the best day of my life is both crushing and laughable. I am simultaneously pulled between restraint and extravagance, between constant reminding that this is “my day” and that this is a day about family. One of my greatest fears about my wedding is becoming a Bridezilla under the pressure, and despite assurances from everyone, from my mother to my fiance, that I am the last person who would ever become one, I know that the Bridezilla haunts me in every task of wedding planning.

What is a Bridezilla? A phrase pushed into the vernacular by the We network, based on their popular reality show series of the same name, Bridezilla is the out-of-control bride. She is demanding and haughty, obtuse and angry, a brat, a bitch, and a monster. She reduces others to tears and has fantastical notions of perfection. She spends too much money, henpecks her fiance, and verbally abuses her parents and parents-in-law. She micromanages and maintains vice-like control on every situation, from the flowers to the food to the apparel of the groom to the weight of the bridesmaids. She is relentless - “It’s better to please her than to deal with her later,” as one groom conveyed. A Bridezilla is simultaneously terrifying and frustrating. In her wake she leaves dozens of pairs of rolling eyes. She is my nightmare. And she looms constantly.
But she is not without reason, or without cause. The Bridezilla is the concentrated version of the feelings many women have when placed under the constant pressure of perfection. To have the perfect body, the perfect clothes, the perfect hair, job, husband, home, child. To make enough money. To find happiness. The Bridezilla emerges in the situation where women are expected to be at their most perfect and wonderful, and it’s no wonder that many of these brides crack. All told, it’s depressing. It’s infuriating. The idea of the bridezilla makes me so angry, both in the way that the bridezilla acts like a petulant child, and the way that women are infantilized through the process of a wedding and being a a bride. Treat them like spoiled children, and they will act like spoiled children. Constantly tell them that this is the most important day of their lives, but do not be surprised when they put pressure on everyone around them to make this the most important day of their lives. Pressure them to look perfect, but do not become disappointed when they are starving themselves to fit into their dress.

Fourteen months away from the day, and I hear the slow purr of the Bridezilla. She is coming of age, despite my best efforts to silence her. My greatest fear is letting her roar out at those I love. My greatest desire is that she will turn on those who made her.